Fresh Socks

Recently I purchased some athletic socks.  First off, the words "I" and "athletic" do not typically appear in the same sentence.  And because I'm not overly particular about my performance while I sit on the deck and drink beer with Terry*, I prefer to buy the 8 pack of Hanes over a $5 pair of performance socks that distribute the sweat and stink of my feet more efficiently.  And colors?  Well, I don't mean to sound like a racist, but I prefer white.  It's the perfect color for determining the cleanliness of a pair of socks without the ol' smell test.  Although this theory backfires a bit in the case of my black underwear.  But that is a whole other topic...

So the last few bags of socks I've bought have had a new feature.  Not on the socks themselves, but in the packaging: resealable zip closures.  The invention of the zip-lockable baggie has got to rank up there with the likes of child-proof medicine bottles, remote locking car doors and the Sham-Wow!  There was no fun in bringing your PB&J to school in a fold over baggie.  The poor sandwich gets mutilated both going in and coming out.  Not to mention the way they would leave your Dukes of Hazard lunch box smelling like bologna for the rest of the school year.  But do we need these for socks?

The use of a zipper closure on a bag typically implies that I should not consume the entire contents at once.  Bag of frozen turkey breasts: zipper bag.  Take only what you intend to eat right now.  Package of shredded cheese: zipper bag.  Normal humans try to NOT eat a pound of cheese in one sitting.  Cereal: no zipper bag.  Eat the whole damn box if you are so inclined!  So instead of ripping open a bag of socks and placing them in my drawer, I find that I take them out one pair per day.  This is usually one of the happiest weeks of my life.  The big fluffy feel of new socks is the equivalent of jumping into a pool full of baby chicks.  Then comes the laundry cycle.  Before I am done with the bag, I have a new pile of clean socks at my disposal.  They feel about 98% as good as the brand new ones, and now cover the bag of unused socks in my drawer.  In my usual rush to cover my feet, I will typically grab whatever is on top.  The few pairs of shiny new socks become buried, only to resurface after a spring or fall cleaning.  But hey, they were in the zipper bag, so they are still fresh!

Really, what's the point?  I mean, are people afraid that leaving an unsecured bag of socks in their drawer will lead to cross contamination?  "Damn, that was a brand new bag of ankle socks, and now they've spilled all over the drawer!"  Or maybe in an effort to be more environmentally sound, I should save the bag for other uses.  Wouldn't my son love to open up his lunch bag and find an enormous turkey sandwich still fresh it it's Fruit of the Loom resealable baggie?  Or better yet, I should place the old socks I am replacing inside the bag.  In which case, I would suggest they print some sort of bio-hazard sticker to put on the outside prior to leaving it in the garbage.

You want to give something a resealable bag?  How about bread?!  Is the 'slotted plastic thingy with a hole in the middle' lobby so powerful that the people at Wonder are too scared to provide us with a fresher alternative?  The man who invented that thing has got to be a billionaire several times over.  Unless of course it was his idea to place the expiration date on that tab.  How many times have I used the last of a loaf, opened a new one, and then placed the old tab on the new bag?  So many expired breads before their time...

It's not an entirely bad idea, just one that I don't see a use for.  And out of habit, I will continue to take one pair of socks, then squeeze the air out before resealing.  Because if I have to put on a pair of stale socks, I'm not at my best for drinking.

*Obligatory mention of Terry per his request