Vote for Chris...

...He has to Piss.

Ah, my first campaign slogan.  Also my first trip to the principal's office.  In third grade, a sign like that can pretty much wrap up your candidacy.  I don't even recall what it was I was running for.  But the tear filled discussion with Mr. Demma about what "piss" means was one I will remember forever.  "It...[sob]...means...[sniff]...pee!"  I'm just glad I skipped the other slogan: "Hey you stupid shits, Chris needs your fucking votes!"

This little adventure in my life always pops into my head around this time of year.  The leaves are falling, there's a cool crisp nip to the air, and Joe Politician and his cronies have littered every inch of the road with campaign signs.  I've always enjoyed the marketing techniques these signs employ.  Your classic red, white & blue signs show that a candidate is patriotic.  Yeah, well, it's election day.  I'm pretty sure every one of these people has a pro-American stance.  Not too many "If Saddam were alive, he'd vote for Carol Bigsby" signs being put up.  But what else can we infer from the designs of these annoying roadway attrocities?

Of course the color of a sign is the first thing a driver notices when he looks up from texting or whatever his choice of distraction is that day.  Most people are aware that the colors red and yellow make you hungry.  That's why you see so many fast food restaurants using these.  McDonalds learned this lesson the hard way a few years back when they painted all of their restaurants black with skulls and cross bones.  It really just attracted a lot of goth chicks and pirates.  Neither of which were too interested in the Shrek happy meals.  But when you are going for the public's vote, you really don't want to invoke hunger.  Although I'll admit, the donuts and coffee at my polling place are sometimes enough to make me care about my vote.  A few yes's, a couple random politicians, and I'm out the door with a happy belly and a sticker for my kid!

I've notices that most signs stay with the classic reds and blues.  Them colors don't run, right?  Boring!  This year I've seen some orange and black signs.  Not a bad idea.  Appeal to the holiday (?) and more people will take a look out of curiosity.  Is there a new Halloween shop?  Are they posting the hours of trick or treat?  Then you look and see that Bob Hendricks thinks the statehouse needs a change.  Bullshit!  I think Bob Hendricks needs a pumpkin smashed in his driveway.  How dare he toy with my festive curiosity?

Some opt for green.  I'm pretty sure this is supposed to invoke sentiments of environmental concern and a fresh start.  OR, another money hungry politician who's rather take a shit on an endangered lizard than to stand up for anything decent.  Was that being too cynical?  Or was it so accurate that you're afraid to admit it?  You're right, too cynical.  Still not voting for the douche bag.

Then there is the font used on these signs.  I have actually read articles on the meanings behind certain styles, the use of serifs, and the color patterns.  A candidate can appear to be more more hip to younger crowds by using fonts similar to popular brands.  Would McCain have won if his name were printed in the same font Penthouse uses?  How many candidates had to reorder signs after the BP oil spill?  Personally, I'd be interested in the politician who uses a Toy R Us font, complete with backward letters.  Tells me this guy is gonna be fun!  And really, isn't that what we look for in a public figure?

Bottom line is this: Subliminal suggestions are found everywhere. QuickPE's blog is the best, tell all your friends  It's the basis behind the entire marketing industry.  I think it's fun to try and decode these messages, but the larger part of the population is not going to be aware that they just voted for a guy who indirectly promised warm feelings and the smell of grandma's cooking during his entire term.  I just hope to open at least one more set of eyes.  Because in these times of uncertainty and political unrest, don't you want a candidate who has a strong urge to urinate?

paid for by the committee to elect Chris to some sort of office, preferably one with it's own restroom.