Parental Advice

Lately I've felt the great need to leave a lasting (positive) impression in my kids lives.  Songs like Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Simple Man" (really liking the Deftones' version), Puscifer's "Momma Sed", and The Village People's "In The Navy" have come up in my playlists' rotation, and I think "What words will my kids take with them through rough times in life?"  No doubt they have picked up on a lot of the things I've said over the years, but "wash your hands" and "leave your sister alone" are not exactly going to get them over loss or sadness.  I think it takes an actual sit down, face to face discussion to make the kind of impression I want to leave.

So I've been thinking of what advice I can give?  What have I learned in my 35 years of life that I can pass on?  These are a few of my thoughts:

"Bananas only cost like $0.29/lb.  If you use the self checkout, you can type in the code for bananas and really save on all of your produce purchases."

"My dad always told me 'it could be worse.'  So stop your whining before I start saying shit like that to you!"

"Sometimes other people may make fun of your flaws.  It's best to find their short-comings first and beat them to the punch."

"Don't ever let Steve borrow your car.  Ever!  Just trust me on this one."

"Life is like a box of chocolates.  Wait, where was I going with that?  Damn, now I'm craving chocolate.  Let's go to DQ."

"Look at Thomas Edison.  He failed thousands of times before he successfully invented the light bulb.  But you've got access to the internet, so what's your excuse?"

"There will come a time in your life when you will question the choices you have made so far.  Although you cannot change the past, you can go get me out of that damn nursing home!"

I'm still working on getting the wording just right.  Should one of my kids become a successful singer/songwriter, I want my advice to translate to well flowing lyrics.  I hope they can find a good rhyme for Zoloft and Tanqueray.