Hallo-wiki

Ah, Halloween.  I'm going to go out on a limb and say it is the best holiday during the month of October.  Sure, it's got some tough competition with Columbus Day and Leif Erikson Day, but what it lacks in the celebration of "discovering" an entire continent department, it makes up for in the candy department.  Plus, how often are you allowed to disguise your identity and hand out candy to kids without raising suspicion?

"What is the history of this spectacular holiday?", you may ask.  Well, allow me to share with you the true** story behind what we have come to call Halloween.
**"true" in this context is taken to mean completely imagined in my head and void of any facts.

It all started back in 1652.  The place: Colonial America, in what is now known as Utah.  Sacagawea had just won the Battle of Tippecanoe over the ruthless Genghis Khan, and was headed back to France.  While standing on the warm Florida beaches, waiting for Christopher Columbus to pick her up in his bitchin' new ride, El Niña, she was approached by a homeless man.  The ragged old beggar asked the beautiful blond bombshell for some food.  She reached in her purse and found the only thing she had to offer was a piece of gum.  Desperate for any form of nourishment, the vagrant took the unfamiliar piece of Juicy Fruit (which back them was simply known as Incredible Uncle Cyrus's Flavoured Polyisobutene Bars), and went back to his cardboard box under the boardwalk.

He was so taken back by the taste of this new found treat, that he was determined to get more.  He decided to disguise himself and once again approach Sacagawea in order to score some more of that "primo shit".  He picked up some seaweed and a piece of driftwood, and fashioned a cruel Stormtrooper costume.  He hobbled over to her and asked if she had anything to offer a poor soldier who had just returned from a tour of duty on the Death Star II.  Frightened by the beggars appearance, she reached in her purse and pulled out a machine gun.  When he continued to beg her for food, she opened fire, killing the old man instantly.

This is where the story gets a little fuzzy.  Some scholars believe she took the body with her back to France and used it for medical experiments.  Others think the body was buried under the boardwalk and the shallow grave was marked with a pumpkin into which a face was carved, bearing the likeness of the deceased.  Still others refused to return my calls after telling me I needed to seek psychiatric help.  Either way, that old beggar later came back to life and turned out to be none other than George Washington, who won the presidency of the United States of America over the British Bulldogs in a lopsided tag team match.

During his first year in office, Mr. Washington passed many notable laws and amendments.  The Freedom of Information Act, Roe v. Wade, and the Children's Television Workshop were just a few.  However, not all of his achievements were for the good of mankind.  On the eve of the anniversary of his first death, George decided to get revenge for this crime against him.  He insisted his court jester find Sacagawea and bring her before him.  Sacagawea caught word of her impending trial and decided to change her identity.  She lived for many years in Antarctica as a sexy witch.  Eventually, those who kept in touch with Sacagawea were pressured to reveal her whereabouts and she was finally brought before Dr. Washington (he had returned to school in the years leading up to her capture and obtained his doctorate in presidency).

Sitting upon his throne, Mr. Washington, RN (in the space leading up to this paragraph, he had his doctor's license revoked on account of him technically being a zombie, but was able to obtain a nursing degree at a nearby community college) awaited the presentation of his murderer.  When she was brought into the office, Washington's jaw about hit the floor.  He was expecting the moccasin wearing, animal fur clothed blond who he had last seen in Miami Beach.  Yet to his surprise, here was a fish net adorned, short skirt wearing sexy little redhead witch carrying a pillow case.

"SWEET CANDY!" Washington exclaimed, to which his jester, thinking it was an order, proceeded to throw Jolly Ranchers (which back then were known as homosexual farmers) and balls of sticky popcorn (don't ask...that's a whole other story) at the prisoner.  Some of these treats fell into her pillow case, and this little "trick" pleased the king (no, he didn't appoint himself king in the time leading up to this.  Don't ask stupid questions like that).  This display was so entertaining, that Emperor Washington proclaimed every March 15th to be known as National Dress Up and Do Tricks for Treats Day.

3 years later, during his presidency, Benjamin Franklin decided to change the name to "Halloween" and move it to October 31st.  Not sure where the name Halloween came from, but this is from a man who flew kites in lightning storms, had two peg legs, and was into S&M.

So there it is, everything you never knew about everything I don't know!  It's like Wikipedia...except it's only made up by one person.