WebPE

I have medical insurance. I have a primary care physician. I even (usually) have enough money to cover the co-pay for an office visit. Yet the first thing I do whenever an unfamiliar symptom comes along is run to the internet and try a little self diagnosis. It's not that I don't trust my doctor, but if I've learned anything from watching House, it's that not everything can be easily diagnosed. Sure, I may have a headache because I drank a lot the night before, but that doesn't mean I didn't also develop brain cancer during the night. My swollen lymph nodes could just as easily be a result of the bubonic plague and not a common cold virus. It's not that I'm a hypochondriac, I just like to be open minded about the ills of the human body. There are so many diseases and illnesses in the world, some so rare that only a handful of people have been diagnosed, that I find it impossible for anyone to be fully aware of all of them. I just like to bring options to the table when I visit my doctor.

I find it amazing that the most obscure pain or discomfort I come across can most of the time be found through a Google search. Seriously, there are pages and pages of people complaining about a pain just below their lower left rib (a reoccurring condition for myself which has gone undiagnosed after several tests). While it's good to know that others suffer with me, or maybe better worded that I don't suffer alone, I am still left with a problem that now dozens of people cannot get diagnosed. Maybe it's because this particular ailment has not been documented properly. Maybe tons of people suffer with it and doctors are just waiting for the first person to step up and identify the symptoms and give it a name. Well, today is that day.

I am naming the disorder after myself. No, not Chris Quick's Syndrome, that sounds stupid. Plus nobody else should have to live with the label "Quick". It will be called Cosdoloformo from the latin costa dolor formoso or "rib pain of the handsome man".  However, since I tend to have many aches and pains, it is tough to narrow down those symptoms which are a direct result of this debilitating condition (yes, it will grant me handicap parking placards). So here is a list of signs I feel are good indicators:

• Pain in abdomen just below left rib cage
• Shortness of breath during athletic activities
• Weight gain
• Urge to stay in bed after alarm goes off
• Depression
• Amazingly good looks
• Unmanageable hair
• Neighbor named Terry
• Increased appetite
• Dead-end job
• Constipated diarrhea
• Mass consumption of alcohol
• Sexual side effects
• Sexual special effects
• and general malaise.

If you experience one or all of these symptoms, talk to your doctor.  They may be signs of Cosdoloformo.  If so, sit back and listen to the rest of us bitch about having it.  While there is no known cure for this disease, there are drugs that can help.  I'm thinking medical marijuana would be a great place to start.