"Softsoap® not for sale"

Ever since Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon with the American flag in one hand, and a crumbling brick of astronaut ice cream in the other, man has known the importance of water (or lack thereof). I know, Neil Armstrong never actually had freeze-dried ice cream on either of his missions, but something is lost in making a Donn F. Eisele reference.

The addition of water, or hydration, is crucial in every day life. A heaping spoonful of Country Time mix is just not very refreshing on a warm summer day. And don't remind me about the pain and agony of trying to digest a bowl of uncooked spaghetti noodles. However, I feel that many people have overlooked the science of hydration, and tend to view it as a magical fix-all to life's problems. There are times when water can be just plain damaging. For example, when a a friend's magnesium slacks catch fire, the last thing you want to do is add water*.

One important fact to remember is that adding water does not produce more of something, with the exception of an already existing volume of water or a mogwai. With this in mind, it should be noted that when a soap dispenser has run empty, one cannot add water to increase the amount of soap.

I understand that the flowability of water and its ease of dispensing make it an ideal material for adding to containers. Believe me, it's fun! I could spend hours at the kitchen sink just filling bottles, jugs, vessels, even my hands with that wonderfully useful liquid. But the only results that can come of adding water to an almost empty liquid soap dispenser are that the next person will 1) inevitably misjudge the density of the fluid, apply too much force upon the pump, and supply their pants an embarrassing wet spot, or 2) be caught so off guard with the cold shock of [barely] soapy water that they supply their pants with an embarrassing wet spot.

I have seen this kind of thing happen at every place I've worked, but have never caught someone in the act. If I were ever witness to such a crime against humanity, I think the best course of action would be to invite the person over for dinner. I would, of course, make sure that the powder room had an ample supply of soap. And to insure that I have enough food to go around, I'm sure they would not mind being served a bite of steak mixed with tap water. Seconds, anyone?

*If your friend's magnesium slacks should catch fire, the first course of action is to inquire why the hell the individual thought such a garment could remotely be considered a good idea. I mean, although lithium pants would cost almost 20x more, it would provide a way more comfortable fit over the heavier flammable slacks on the market.